7 Steps to Appear to
Be Successful
Since You Can't Actually Succeed, May as Well Dress like You
Can
by Jace Johnston, Gilbert, AZ
You are a failure at life. Just admit it. Maybe
you'll turn it around, but let's be honest; it's not looking so great. May
as well give up now and focus on a more realistic goal: looking successful.
This way, you can look like you run a fortune 500 company when you really
run the deep fryer at Wendy's. Sounds pretty great, right? Simply follow
these 7 steps and you'll be the most successful looking man around!
1. Ruin your credit rating. Credit ratings are for pussies. Nobody
sees them anyway; if anyone asks just lie. The first thing you'll want to do
is get a number of high limit credit cards. This will fund this entire
operation. Once you have at least $100,000 of available credit, proceed to
the next step.
2. Buy suits. Lots and lots of suits. Throw out every pair of
non-suit related
clothing you have right now. Since you
can't have the
job you want, may as well dress for it.
Wearing a suit represents how successful you are. Now, since you're poor,
you'll probably want to sell your
clothes on EBay. This will help get you
your first suit. Over the course of the next 6 months, spend your Wendy's
check on nothing but suits. Glorious, glorious suits.
You don't need to pay rent, your roommates will cover that. If you'd rather,
just dip in to your credit cards. This will speed up the process.
3. Get unnecessary gadgets. Buy the latest and greatest gadgets. Try
to be the lovechild of James Bond and Batman. If it has more than one
function, get it. Sunglasses AND an MP3 player? Get the Amex. Sharper Image
is your
new Mecca, and you must travel there often.
You must get a Blackberry with a matching Bluetooth headset. Obviously, you
need to wear the Bluetooth headset all the times. Not only does it make you
look futuristic, but you want people to think that the calls are pouring in
and can't be stopped.
People know that Blackberrys mean business. If you have a Blackberry that
says to people that you are so important that you can't just be reached by
the phone! You need to be able to be reached by phone, email, text, and that
incredibly necessary push-to-talk feature.
4. Dress to imply success. You have suits. You
have gadgets. Add on a gold watch a silver ring and you are ready. Make sure
you have a belt clip for your Blackberry, and the MP3 sunglasses are visibly
sticking out of your suit pocket. Any gadget that you have must be visible
in some way, otherwise there's no point in having them.
Make sure to tan weekly. This makes you look like you may so much
money you can afford to take vacations and
build up tans! Your
hair must contain no less than a quarter of
a pound gel. Regardless of style, it must shine with the shimmer that only
gel can provide.
5. Drive in style. Money is no object when it comes to your ride.
Spend at least $40k on your car. Remember step one, just finance
it. You can
buy any
new BMW or Mercedes, as long as its black
or silver. Those are power success colors. Convertibles are even better;
they allow people to see your suit and fancy gadgets. Remember, driving is
one of the best times to lord your 'success' over everyone else. Get a
customized license plate, classy chrome rims, a visual GPS unit, and any
other bells and whistles that'll convince people that you are the man.
6. Rush everywhere. Successful people are incredibly busy. They can't
be bothered to wait in line at Starbucks. If there is a line, pretend like
you're on the
phone and simply walk near the counter and
yell your order. They'll make it. In the unlikely chance they don't, cut to
the middle of the line. You know, right in front of the emo kid, he won't
say anything. While in line loudly complain how unfair and stupid it is that
you have to wait in line. Either pretend like your on the
phone or make comments under your breath.
As previously touched on, your driving
style makes a statement about you. Floor it
as often as possible, and make sure to weave. Weaving and revving equal
needing to be somewhere. Everyone knows successful people need to be places.
7. Be a douche. It doesn't matter where you
are or what you are doing. Your goal is to be as arrogant, rude, and
douche-like as possible. If the batteries you bought a year ago stop
working, take them to RadioShack and demand a refund. When you approach a
drive-thru, immediately and angrily shout your order. If they don't get it,
heavily sigh, and then repeat. In any situation that mildly inconveniences
you, use this heavy sigh coupled with an
under-the-breath-but-still-loud-enough-to-hear-across-the-room voice, for it
is your greatest tool in acting like a douche. As a quick note, make sure
you are suited up whilst being a douche. If a normally dressed man acts like
a douche, he's a douche. Conversely, if a man is wearing a suit acts like a
douche, he's a success!
If you've followed the above steps, you now appear to be successful! Make
sure to frequent as many possible populated areas as you can. Airports,
sporting events, busy sidewalks, restaurants,
coffee shops, stores, and pretty much
anywhere with people is where you now live.
Keep in mind that if you see someone being a douche and rushing from place
to place while wearing a suit and talking on the
phone they just want to make sure that you
think they are successful!
Read more of Jace's musings at http://www.associatedcontent.com/user/159853/jace_johnston.html
